Every day for 100 days I would read the news, and write a joke for one of the headlines. This the accumulation of all those jokes. There are 100 of them so please be understanding that consistency is more important than quality (I don't know if this is true). Please enjoy.
Chess grandmaster, Magnus Carlson, has become a triple world champion for the third time in his career. If you do the maths, that's 9 world championships over 3 years, and 0 life skills over 32 years.
Twitter employess have had to resort to bringing in their own toilet paper due to budget cuts. Proving once again that when you work for Elon Musk, you can't expect him to deal with anyone else's shit.
Scottish Rail passengers are facing further disruptions. Bad news for anyone who has been invited to the Irn Bru festival, as now they need to find a new way to kill themselves.
After a dismembered foot was found at Yellowstone national park, police have carried out investigation into who left it there. According a witness the suspect is tall with brown hair, was wearing a green hat, a collar with no tie, no other clothes, and was also a bear.
New Amazon cuts could lay off over 12,000 employees. You might see it as 12,000 people stuck at home without a job, but I see it as 12,000 packages that won’t need to be taken in by their neighbour.
Nelson Mandela’s granddaughter claims that Megan and Harry are using her grandfather’s legacy in their new Netflix documentary… How strange, I could have sworn it was an Amazon Original.
Tom Hanks has recently spoken out on Hollywood nepotism stating “it doesn’t matter what our last names are”. For those who don’t know, Tom Hanks in an actor and father to: actor Tom Hanks, actor Chet Hanks, actor Truman Hanks, and actor Elizabeth Ann Hanks.
San Francisco has experienced it’s wettest 10 day period since 1871. In other news I’m just back from my 10 day holiday in San Francisco.
Hugh Jackman denies taking steroids to become Wolverine. Of course he doesn’t, we all know Hugh’s drug of choice is Ecstasy, he is an X man after all.
People have been feeling lied to after it was revealed that Prince Harry had a ghost writer work on his book, these people were hoping to hear exactly what Harry had to say. I managed to get a copy of the ghost-written book, here’s an excerpt and you can decide if it feels like that or not: Ooooooooooo… Oooooooooo.
An ai powered robot lawyer will be the first of its kind to represent a defendant in court. Imagine how that conversation must have went “so I know you’re worried about being persecuted, but don’t worry we managed to get you lawyer, and he’s an absolute machine.” “Oh so is he really good then?” “No. He’s a machine”.
Prices on eggs have went up by over 50% the past year. This is due to chickens now being granted paid maternity leave.
Marvel allegedly pays it’s VFX artists 20% less than its competitors. Of course it does, it’s a bit short of dollar bills right now, I mean what do you think they use to make all that green screen?
Florida’s education system seems to be underperforming when compared to other states. Looks like on the beach sea levels are rising, and in the classroom, C levels are rising too.
Everything Everywhere all at Once, takes Best Picture at the Golden Globes. Wow an amazing film and an incredible photographer, it really has everything going for it.
Scientists have developed a new artificial Neuron that closely resembles a real one. Meaning that now both particles and artists need to worry about AI taking their jobs.
Controversy as Scotland’s gender reforming act has been overturned by the UK government, causing people to ask ‘Does Rishi really know more about women’s issues than Sturgeon’. Well Sturgeon has, as far as we know, never had sex with a woman, whereas Rishi Sunak, with his two children, has had sex at least twice, so you tell me who knows more about women suffering?
Boston Dynamics have shown a demo of their new robot that can not only walk, but also run, jump and throw. I don’t see the big deal, anything that has no emotions and could play rugby isn’t special, that’s just a rugby player.
Bed bath and beyond is looking for potential buyers before declaring bankruptcy. No, there is no joke. This isn’t a laughing matter, this is bed bath and beyond serious.
Shakira allegedly discovered that her partner was cheating on her due to missing jam jars. I don’t know why she went straight to the preserves though, she should have just asked his waist, everyone know the hips don’t lie.
‘Anti-woke’ mob outraged as Pink Floyd updated their logo to include their iconic Dark Side of the Moon rainbow, mistaking it for a pride flag. Fun fact: if you listen to ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ while watching an anti-woke commentator, you’ll get to listen to some good music while watching a very sad man going through a divorce.
Rhianna’s partner, A$AP Rocky says that fatherhood is like heaven… in the sense that it’s better than hell, but he just wants his life back.
George Santos is still arguing about whether or not he used to dress up as a woman. What a drag.
This year’s Oscar nominees have been announced and once again, there are no women nominated for Best Director, causing people to call for a gendered category, much like with acting. There is fear that The Academy won’t agree with this, so in order to appeal to the sensibilities of an old white man, the new categories will be ‘Director that showed most leadership’ and ‘Bossiest director’. Just watch the women nominee’s rolling in now.
New type of camouflage pattern makes wearer ‘invisible’ to security cameras, by tricking them into thinking the wearer is an animal. That’s not called camouflage, that’s called being a furry.
The new Velma show has become #1 lowest rated show on IMDB, making it just another failed attempt at adult animation. A bit of advice, if you want to make a successful Scooby Doo animated adult show, take a leaf from the internet, and just make porn.
Archaeologists in Egypt have found what they believe to be the world’s oldest mummy. Looks like they finally found yo mamma.
A Californian Zoo has cloned a critically endangered horse by using 42-year old DNA. The 42-year old DNA in question comes from 42 year-old Frank who works in accounting, is going through a messy divorce and is very excited to meet his new centaur off-spring.
George Washington University has made contraception pills available in their vending machine. We have a similar thing in our vending machines in the UK, it’s called Monster Energy, and of you buy it you’re guaranteed to have no sex whatsoever.
Someone online has shared picture of Tesla showing how the steering wheel had fallen off. It’s a self-driving car though, that’s like complaining that your pitted olive came without the pit.
Too much sex and a lack of sleep could be killing an endangered marsupial. If too much sex and not enough sleep is what kill you, then I think I’m going to live forever.
Unopened first generation iPhone will sell at auction for $50,000. Crazy to think it depreciated in value that much.
Rishi Sunak says that ‘biological sex’ is all that really matters. Ironic, as he has presumably only ever had artificial sex.
A new venture is posing that the future of home heating isn’t radiators, but rather heated walls. I know someone who had heated walls once, he also had heated floors, heated roof and even a heated door. Terrible house fire that was.
Netflix has backtracked on its new password sharing rules. Officials from Netflix have released a statement reading: “We actually love sharing accounts, in fact that wasn’t even us, it was our little brother using our account! We let him do that sometimes because we just live account sharing!”.
Twitter will now start charging business $1,000 to keep their gold checkmark, which is kind of like taxing the rich, but if every CEO were to be a neckbeard who used Reddit.
Disney Plus won’t be showing episodes of The Simpson that mention forced labour in Hong Kong. They also won’t be showing these episodes in England, as forcing Labour, is a Tory Governments worst nightmare.
Texas man has been arrested for stealing two monkeys from a zoo, says he’ll do it again if released. The man said in a statement “I mean no offence, don’t take it personally you guys, it’s not personal, just business… Monkey business”.
Researchers still want to try and bring back the dodo. Well I still want to make my marriage work, but we can’t always get what we want!
Congress woman who claimed to be Jewish, has been outed as having Nazi grandparents. The two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive though, you can be gay and homophobic grandparents. I’m not saying that all homophobes are Nazis, but all Nazis are homophobes, so by proxy…
Blake Lively confirms she gave birth to her and Ryan Reynolds fourth child. That’s good news, I was worried someone else might have given birth to it.
Alabama Democrats want to ban employers from forcing employees to get micro-chipped, stating that “we shouldn’t be treated like someone’s pet. We’re Democrats, not Demo-cats”.
McDonalds has been trying out a new AI drive through, which seems to struggling with understanding people’s orders. It reportedly gave out Microchips instead of small fries, pixel art instead of sprite, and even Filet O’ Fish, despite the fact that it sucks.
Internet explorer has been permanently shut down. This isn’t on purpose however, and just due to it crashing really badly.
Latvia is set to confiscate the cars of drunk drivers to donate to the Ukraine war efforts. In other news a charitable Latvian man has donated five cars to Ukraine, and all it took was 5 arrests, 15 shots, and 3 found dead at the scene of the crime.
Roald Dahl books are to be re-written to remove words deemed as offensive. This will include words like “fat” or “ugly” but not the Oompa Loompas despite being ‘racist’ ‘stereotypes’ of ‘indigenous people’ and literal ‘slaves’.
Avatar: Way of Water, has overtaken Titanic as the third highest grossing film of all time. Safe to say that when it comes to Cameron, it’s best movies are either sink or swim.
Emma Mackey will be leaving Sex Education after four years work, stating “I’m sorry to be leaving, but that’s it, I’m done. I’ve learned a lot from these experiences, but I think I now know all there is to know about sex”.
Researchers have developed a new smart device to track how much people speak and can send warning when they’re at risk of hurting their voice. It will be launching with a ‘Theatre Kid’ setting that tells them to shut up the second they start singing Hamilton.
Teens are reportedly learning more about sex from TikTok than they are from school. This has nothing to do with poor education systems and more to do with schools refusing to play Family Guy clips while teaching.
A man from Tennessee has been arrested for using Air Tags to stalk his wife. Prompting the question: are from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten year sentence I see.
Tennessee has passed a new law that will ban drag shows. Creating a potential future where shows will be raided and everyone will be instructed to put their hands up and death drop to the ground, unless they want to get shot.
UK grocery prices have increased by 12%. Meaning that buying an apple stalk, is now about as expensive as buying Apple Stock.
The cost of living crisis still continues to affect people all around the UK. With experts theorising that if inflation gets any worse soon Britain will become the house from ‘Up’.
The new Super Mario movie will have its release date pushed back. Most likely due to rogue barrel being thrown by a giant gorilla.
Marks & Spencer have had to issue an apology after accidentally displaying daffodils along with the vegetables. A simple mistake, I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve been asked to grab some florets and accidentally went to the florists.
The U.S has announces a new cyber-security system that they promise will be better than the last. One official stating “We don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that we got a pretty good deal on it using the code ‘Nord15’”.
Funko will be sending over $30 million worth of Funko Pops to land fill. Which adds up to roughly, assuming that all the figures are still in their boxes, 30 million Funko Pops!
American national parks have had to issue warning that if being chases by a bear, victims should not ‘push over a slower friend’ to escape. Of course they shouldn’t, there’s no reason why intellectual ability should even come into question.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, has the most words per minute of any show, clocking in at 176.4 WPM. With an outstanding 76.4 of those words being slurs.
Americans are calling for the boycott of the pharmacy Wallgreens, who are refusing to sell abortion pills. This means that people have had to get their pills from other pharmacies and thus resorted to Plan-B.
The makers of Insulin, Eli Lilly, have capped the price of Insulin at $35. A pretty sweet deal, but not too sweet, otherwise it might be deadly to their clientele.
Rishi Sunak has publicly stated that he is willing to fight against immigrants trying to gain access to the UK, via the sea. Sunak has said “Just call me ‘The Iceberg’, because I’m cold as ice, hard as rock, and ready to sink those boats”.
There have been ferry disruptions due to the opening of a new harbour being delayed. Officials say that Sunak himself delayed the boats voyage after hearing rumours that an immigrant couple might be boarding.
It’s been revealed that despite being estranged from Royalty, Harry and Megan will still refer to their daughter as ‘Princess’. They will also refer to her as ‘honey’, ‘darling’ and ‘munchkin cheeks’.
Investigations into food fraud after packaged beef had been falsely labelled as British. Unfortunately at the time writing officials from the British Museum have been unavailable for a comment.
UK to give France £500 million to help combat small boats, or as they would say in France: “Petite Bateau”.
Gary Lineker has been pulled from Match of the Day after his tweets comparing the UK’s immigration policy to Nazi Germany. Some think he’s not incorrect however, drawing comparisons on how the UK and Nazi Germany are more similar than it might seem at first. They’re both lead by incompetent leaders with a vendetta against people not from their country, they both love dictating what can be taught in school, and in a few years even the countries own citizen’s will look back and think “that was a bit fucked up, wasn’t it?”. The only difference is that in Nazi Germany you weren’t punished for comparing government policies to Nazi Germany.
Norfolk cliff-top homes are to be demolished for fear of cliff collapse. When the vote came to decide what to do it was very close between keep and destroy, safe to say it was not a landslide victory.
HP printers are set to block third-party ink again. Which is ridiculous, that would be like if you could only put Warburtons bread into your toaster, or if you could only drink Coke from a Coca-Cola glass, or if the UK only accepted UK citizens… oh wait.
Everything Everywhere all at Once has become the most awarded movie in history. Which is cheating seeing as it’s had an infinite amount of universes to get nominated in.
Jeremy Hunt to expand free health care to one and two year-olds. As he should, It’s hard enough being a parent at thirty years-old, never mind at two.
TikTok is to be banned from all official UK government phones. Not because it’s unprofessional to have, or even because the Chinese government could use it to extract data, there was just too many of them using it to chat to underaged girls.
More than 175,000 medical appointments had to be cancelled due to Junior Doctor strikes. Although contrary to popular belief, this wasn’t on purpose, they all just couldn’t afford the bus to work.
A fraud victim just recently got a £153,000 refund after being scammed dozens of times by a U.S caller. This is great news to hear, and what’s more the victim even says they’ll be more cautious of scams going forward. We’re all very proud of you dad.
Paris is plagued by trash and foul smells after waste workers go on strike. This was news to the French government who claimed they weren’t aware that the smell and lack of people working was anything notable.
BBC encourages staff to delete TikTok from their phones. Presumably due to fear of making content the younger generation would actually watch.
Amazon is set to cut another 9000 workers, which could save them hundreds of millions. This is a great deal by any standards, but they need to act quick, as the offer is only available until midnight.
Train strikes that were originally planned March and April have been called off. You know your rail service isn’t great when even scheduled strikes end up getting cancelled last minute.
The University of the West of England is carrying out studies into shaken baby syndrome. The conclusion: Don’t.
Utah is to be the first U.S State to limit teen’s social media usage. The government hope that by doing so it will encourage teens to get outside and pick up good old fashioned hobbies like hide and seek, hoop and stick, and underage firearm possession.
A massive asteroid about 90m in diameter has just passed between Earth and the moon; scientists say it could have destroyed a city if it made contact. We still don’t know why the asteroid hold such a grudge against large densely populated areas of historical significance usually with a cathedral or university, but we can rest easy knowing that towns, counties and villages are safe.
Possession of laughing gas is to be made a criminal offence in the UK. Police say: “We plan on taking this very seriously, this criminal offence is no longer a laughing matter”.
A phenomenon in which five of our planets line up in a row is set to occur in the night sky. A small warning to any chosen ones out there, it is likely that this signals the end of times and/or the day where the world of the living and the dead become one. Either way stay safe and good luck slaying any Gods.
Scotland has just beaten Spain in the European championships 2-0. I can’t help but feel bad for Spain though, first we disrespected them by making people think that haggis bonbons belong in tapas and now this?
Only 29% of Brits say that they are satisfied with the state of the NHS, compared to the American satisfaction rate of 67%. This figure isn’t entirely fair though, as the unsatisfied Americans tend not to live long enough to fill out surveys.
The streets of Scotland are being used as a double of Russia for the new Tetris move. Not the first time Scotland has been made to look like somewhere else for a film. With some visual effects it was made into Gotham for Batman, using some set dressing it was made into America for World War Z, and with almost no extra work the four corners McDonalds was made into the ward of Shutter Island.
An airline glitch saw a man’s return ticket get sold to someone else. After his trip to Croatia the Welsh man… oh right, he’s from Wales… accident, sure “oh no I’m stuck in sunny Croatia for a few extra days, I won’t be able to go back to the UK now”. Yeah right.
Elon Musk is putting in place that all Twitter accounts must now pay for verification. The new verification system is now a bit like going through a depressive and dissociative episode, having to buy something to prove that you’re real.
Yet more strikes planned for teachers after they reject another pay offer. Teachers cite the reason for rejection as: "It's not what they offered, it's how they offered it. The Government took a tone we didn't appreciate. Maybe after they calm down and offer it nicer we might reconsider”.
Tik-Tok has been fined £12.2 million for misusing children’s data. A concerning way to find out that there is a appropriate use of children’s data. They only thing a child’s data should be used for is finding out how old they are so we can ban them from using Tik-Tok.
Virgin Media is down again, affecting thousands across the UK. Virgin staying true to it’s name sake by not being as good as promised and claiming ‘it usually works better than that’ despite evidence proving otherwise.
Coming into action sometime mid-June, under 5s will now be getting jabbed for Covid. Look, I don’t like kids much either, but I would never go around uppercutting them and saying “That was for Ebola”.
Jennifer Lopez is being ridiculed for launching an alcohol brand despite being sober. I can see how it might be seen as hypocritical, but you need to remember that John McAfee never used his own software, the inventor of Comic Sans hates it, and the Catholic Church really hates thy neighbour.
The new ‘bodyguard’ musical has had performances cut short due to rowdy audience members. It’s a shame that happened, but it would never have been a problem at Security Guard! The Musical. They would have firmly asked audience members to leave, and if they didn’t, would process to escort them off the premises. They would NEVER use force though, as they do have the legal right to do so.
Reportedly 1 in 7 hospital beds are occupied by those who are perfectly fine to be sent home. Along with this, 1 in 10 hospital beds are occupied by those with paranoia and 1 in 3 patients have been swapped out for an identical clone of themselves.
The new Super Mario movie has broken box office records. An appropriate result for a film about someone best known for breaking boxes.
Birds that were being forced to quarantine due to bird flu are soon to be let out. I’m glad to hear it, apparently the birds were starting to go a bit coocoo locked up inside.
Ariana Grande has made a public call for her fans to stop body shaming. An ironic request coming from someone so ashamed of their body, they’ve tried to change their race on multiple occasions.
Harvard is to rename one of its schools in honour of a donor who gifted $300 million. The Dean is very pleased to announce the grand opening of the Scrooge McDuck School of Economics and Wealth Hoarding.
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